Are You Being Selfish Enough?

October 19th, 2012 by Nick Notas 4 Comments

Han Solo Princess Leia

“What do I want?”

When’s the last time you asked yourself that question?

I bet it’s been a while. Especially when it comes to women, you’ve likely asked yourself what she wants. What will look good in her eyes, get a laugh, or make a good impression? What will make her (and only her) happy?

For a long time, I focused on ensuring everyone around me was satisfied. I became a passenger in my own life. My actions were based on what I thought would make people like me. I even felt guilty for just thinking about getting what I really wanted.

People would ask favors and I would say yes when I didn’t want to. I’d analyze my words to make sure they were phrased to my audience. I hid my opinions out of fear of being rejected even when I felt I was right.

I was miserable, frustrated, and always got the short end of the stick. I didn’t have the life I hoped for and I blamed everyone else. You know what changed it all?

I started putting myself and my needs first. I became “selfish” — and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

I’m not advocating disregarding other people’s feelings or becoming a total douchebag. I’m talking about fulfilling your needs before fulfilling the needs of others, also known as “You can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself.”

If you’re not honest with yourself, you’ll always struggle. You’ll struggle to build genuine connections and become self-confident. You’ll struggle with independence and not being needy. And you’ll build resentment and lash out against others as a result of this frustration. It’s a vicious cycle of unhappiness.

My goal is to show you why supporting your own needs plays a critical role in your happiness. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned by making myself priority #1:

  • It forms healthier, stronger relationships. By being honest with what you want, you attract people to the real you. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else or hide parts of your personality. You will be a better friend, family member, and romantic partner.
  • People like you more when you’re legit. This means you value your time and have standards. No one respects a person who is constantly supplicating to them. You’re a human, not a dog.
  • You become more attractive to women. Being spineless and getting walked all over isn’t going to get you laid. You need to understand and define your boundaries. Quality women look for men with integrity and who know what they want.
  • You achieve more. By acting on what you want, you start to get what you want. This includes a lifestyle you enjoy, better career opportunities, and a satisfying sex life. This in turn helps…
  • You develop your self-esteem. You see the proof of your abilities and reinforce your worth. You start believing in yourself. This is where natural confidence comes in.

From now on, every time you make a personal decision, evaluate using these two questions:

  1. Is this what I want? – Why am I doing this? Because I truly want to? Do I want to share my value openly without an ulterior motive? Or am I afraid of rejection and trying to gain approval? If not, what do I want?
  2. How do I achieve what I do want? – What actions can I take to fulfill my needs?

To put this into dating context, many guys will talk to a girl for long periods of time pretending to be her friend. Deep down they want romance but they keep it platonic because they’re scared to “lose her”. Instead, they should be flirting and showing their intentions (touching, escalating). You will find out quickly if she feels the same way.

As an example, I spoke with a friend recently who is seeing a girl that lives three hours away. He doesn’t want to drive, see her, and then have to make the journey back all in the same night. Already, they both have implied they’re going to hook up. But he’s afraid to ask to stay because he doesn’t want to impose.

So his answers to the questions above should be:

  1. This is not what I want. I want to have fun, drink, and not worry about driving home — even if I have to crash on her couch and leave in the morning. I don’t want to spend six hours driving without something happening. I want to show her a great time and have amazing sex together.
  2. I will ask her if I can stay the night. I will let her know how I feel about making such a long drive and having to rush back home. If she says yes, awesome. If she says no, I will understand but also re-evaluate if this is worth my investment.

It took me a while to accept that fulfilling myself first is a good thing. As long as you’re not intentionally hurting anyone in the process, there’s no reason to feel guilty.

In part two of this article, I’ll show you specific ways to take control of your life and get what you want.

I’m here to help! Let’s talk for a free strategy session.

  1. Alfred on October 26, 2012

    Hey, there’s a book that dives deeper into this subject: “No more mr. nice guy” by R. Glover, I have read it and found it quite enlightening in some ways (btw I’m in no way associated with the author or anything).

    • Nick Notas on October 27, 2012

      It’s a great book and I’ve actually written about it on the blog. Highly recommended.

  2. Jose on November 8, 2012

    You what’s funny? I read this and think, “Well duh, I always do what I want.” But then in real life in the moment, I often don’t. I get caught up with what other people expect of me and (i’m embarrassed to say) impressing a girl. I have to keep this stuff in the back of my head to start changing that.

    • Nick Notas on November 9, 2012

      Recognizing your defenses and insecurities will help tremendously. Now you just got to bite your lip and go for it. Once you start being proactive, it only gets easier.