How to Deal With Jerks While Talking to Women

August 10th, 2012 by Nick Notas 3 Comments

Sailors Bar Fight

(Photo Source)

Bullies are everywhere. They assert their dominance and tear others down to compensate for their own insecurities. Unfortunately, in the pursuit of meeting more women, you inevitably encounter more “douchebags”. This is especially true in bars, parties, and clubs.

They could be jealous friend-zoned male acquaintances. They could be guys who are frustrated to see you approaching women when they lack the courage to do it themselves. Or, they could be guys who do approach, but see you as a potential threat to their chances.

Pickup advice typically encourages treating these guys like fools and bullying them back. Either you make fun/embarrass them or demonstrate “alpha” traits and use the girl as a prop (touching her intimately, etc). I don’t recommend these methods and here’s why:

You are a man of high value. Why should you stoop to their level? You’re better than that and their insecurities are already obvious. Plus, this often turns into a pissing match and can escalate to physical violence.

Over the years, I’ve seen too many fights started by men retaliating. Especially in alcohol-induced settings, there are dudes just looking to pick a fight. I watched a guy literally get his teeth kicked in and hair torn out outside of a bar because he argued back. Is it worth it? No.

Here are the 3 steps I put into practice to deal with a hostile guy:

Kill him with kindness

The best solution is to be polite and courteous. Introduce yourself. You don’t need to be fake and compliment him, just show you’re a friendly person. This does two things:

  1. Bamboozles him. It’s hard to continue being an asshole to someone when they’re being nice to you.
  2. Makes him look bad. Again, if you’re being polite and he’s repeatedly a dick, any self-respecting woman (or group of people) will see him as the negative force.

If it’s a girl you’ve just met and he’s her friend, you’re going to have to win him over. Even if he’s being unfair, she’s obligated to stick with him as a friend. If he doesn’t ease off, you can’t do much except end the interaction gracefully:

“I’m sorry we couldn’t have met under better circumstances. You seem really cool, I’d love to take you out sometime.” Exchange numbers and wish her a good night.

Otherwise, if he’s a stranger, have a brief chat with him and then go back to her. By then he’ll hopefully have cooled off and realized you aren’t going to indulge him. That’s often enough to get him to walk away but if not, move on to the next step.

Politely shut him out or ignore him

If he’s persistent, turn your body language away from him and towards her. Your back or side should be facing him while you continue to converse with her. If she’s engaging you, he’ll start to feel awkwardly left out.

Don’t re-open conversation with him at this point. As he tries to interject, keep talking to her. Again, if she plays along, he’s going to realize he’s unwanted and lost the battle. But what if he still doesn’t walk away.

Lead and relocate with her

Suggest going somewhere else with her. You can whisper to her “Let’s grab a drink/fresh air/seat somewhere else.” or “This guy’s being a creeper, let’s move over there.” As long as she accepts your proposal, she’s on your side and you can cut him out.

This doesn’t make you weak, it makes you the stronger man. A quality woman doesn’t play into those games or want you to start a fight. You’re not a pussy for taking the high road — you’re a mature adult.

Remember, don’t let these guys phase you. Never let them bring your night down or take their attacks personally. It’s not about you; it’s them projecting their own faults onto you.

Smile, stay positive, and focus on having a fun time with her.

Have a 100% free and confidential strategy session with me.

  1. Allen on September 5, 2012

    Does this happen a lot? I guess the worst that’s happened to me is when some guy is completely trashed and falls into me. Guys who pick fights over nothing are insecure and looking to validate themselves.

    • Nick Notas on September 5, 2012

      It might not happen every night you go out, but it does happen regularly. Any time you combine alcohol and men competing over women, there’s bound to be tension. I completely agree that it’s immature and insecure. That’s why defusing the situation in an intelligent manner is the best way to go.

  2. Trafford McClellan on June 10, 2013

    This is a great article. A man can understand this and keep his self respect. I have no criticism only a fringe addition.
    I used to play around the tri-state area in a few different bands, so these clubs and bars fit the environment of the article. I would like to add “Be aware of your surroundings”. If the place your at is kinda shady, the girl might be crazy and want that jerk to kick the crap out of you. I’ve never been that guy but I’ve seen it happen. Trust your instincts gentlemen.