What Sex Really Means to Women

March 9th, 2013 by Nick Notas 7 Comments

Borat Sexy Time

Sex is one of life’s most pleasurable experiences. While it feels amazing to sleep with a new woman, there’s more meaning to it than the physical act. Without that intimacy, she will not be fully invested in you.

Which is why it’s no surprise that girls walk away from guys who have not pushed forward romantically. Yet I receive hundreds of e-mails from men who feel blindsided when a girl does just that:

I was texting [or talking to] her for a couple weeks and she was responding all the time. Now she stopped messaging me back. What happened?

I went on a couple dates with this girl. I thought everything was going well and then suddenly she said she doesnt see us being more than friends.

Ive been hanging out with this girl for weeks/months/years and nothings happened. We talk about everything and now shes seeing some douchebag, WTF?!?

As much as you’d like to think those interactions should count for something more – I’m sorry, but she just wasn’t invested in you romantically.

What is romantic investment?

A lot of men confuse time spent together as investment. While it is part of the equation, romantic investment is tied most to vulnerability. Specifically, how vulnerable she allows herself to be with you.

Every time a woman puts herself in a position where she can be hurt by you (both emotionally and physically), she is investing. She is trusting you. She risks letting you see all sides of her, sexual included. She may not consciously think of these things in the moment, but they are there in her biology.

When we share our real selves with others, we forge the deepest connections.

How do I get her to invest in me?

Your endless texts, hour-long calls, and platonic hang-outs don’t mean much. Yes, you may have an awesome friendly connection but those do not entitle or guarantee you to romance.

The same even goes for first kisses, making out, and heavy petting. Just because she goes along for the ride doesn’t mean she’ll be calling you tomorrow. I’ve heard countless stories of guys hooking up with girls that they never hear from again.

But this all changes once you have sex. This is when she starts to truly invest in you. Even more so when you continue to have sex after that. Because…

Sex is when were at our most vulnerable, especially for many women. It’s intimidating, potentially dangerous, and forces some of your greatest insecurities to the surface. She is making a huge investment. Guys often don’t consider it because sticking our junk in stuff always sounds fun. But being fully exposed and allowing your body to be penetrated is an enormously different decision.

When a woman has sex with a man, he almost always gains significance to her.

Why is getting her to invest so important?

  • Youll get more chances to screw upInexperienced men sometimes say or do the wrong thing early on. If she feels invested in you, she’s more likely to overlook any negatives and focus on why she likes you.
  • You’ll find out how she feels so you don’t waste time. Waiting for months or years to see how a girl feels is pathetic and needy. By moving things forward and seeing if she will invest in you, you’re respecting your self-worth. If she’s not interested, she’ll let you know and you can meet a girl who is.
  • Shell be more committed to you. The majority of women tend to find a guy they are sexually compatible with and stop playing the field, at least for a while. She will value your connection and want to keep spending time together instead of with someone else. You are not just another guy anymore.
  • You get to uncover the deeper her. I see so many men who think that they know everything about a woman because they have personal, platonic conversations. They place her on a pedestal and create an idealized image in their heads. They believe they know who she is, what she wants, and what “type” of girl she is – in reality, they don’t.
     
    Once you become a sexual partner, the dynamic of your connection transforms forever. People drop their defenses, share and explore their desires, and experience a new set of emotions. We act differently with our lovers than with anyone else.

If you’re interested in a woman, you have to at least attempt to escalate it to sex. That intimate act isn’t only for fun, it creates a powerful and necessary bond between you. You want her to invest in you because otherwise she will invest in someone else.

Build consistent momentum and stop wasting time being stagnant. Text to setup dates, not to make small talk. Treat your dates as DATES and not friendly meetings. Touch her often and go for a kiss on that first date. See her again and invite her back to your place.

Am I saying that you should only care about sex? Not at all. But you should try to be her lover or you’re just going to be her friend. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting something that is natural and healthy in a romantic relationship. Unless she’s waiting until marriage (which she’d tell you if you escalated!), she wants sex, too.

Find out if she’s willing to invest in you. A confident man doesn’t invest in someone who won’t reciprocate the same feelings.

  1. Kerry Butts on March 9, 2013

    lol way to write about what sex means to women without mentioning sexual pleasure at all. If someone takes no effort to get me off, why the hell would I go back for seconds? Would you?

    • Nick Notas on March 9, 2013

      Hi Kerry,

      Thanks for responding. I 100% agree with what you’re saying but since this is a single blog post, I try to focus on a central theme. The idea here is that sex is a critical component of a romantic connection and that if a woman never wants to be intimate with you, she’s likely not tied to you.

      I’ve written extensively on the importance of making a woman feel safe and pleasured during sex. For example:

      http://www.thedatingspecialist.com/blog/how-to-have-more-sex-in-your-relationships/

      “Women want sex as much as we do. They just want to make sure it’s with the right person and someone they can trust. Keep in mind that many have had poor sexual experiences in the past, are self-conscious, worry that they will seem too promiscuous, or just need to be reminded that sex is a natural desire. But once a great guy comes along who makes sex fun and safe, it opens their sexuality to heights they never imagined.

      Being intimate is a very emotional process for women, so focus on getting her turned on mentally as well as physically. Show her from the beginning how amazing sexual tension and energy can be. Genuinely learn to love making her feel incredible and driving her wild. Get her thinking about the next time you’ll see each other and how she can’t wait to have you again.”

      And in…

      http://www.thedatingspecialist.com/blog/how-to-be-a-gentleman-that-turns-women-on/

      I have entire sections dedicated to making sure she feels amazing and creating a judgement-free environment.

      Hope that clears things up. :)

  2. aaron on March 9, 2013

    the only how you really gave us was sex..

    • Nick Notas on March 10, 2013

      That’s the point Aaron, sex is an critical investment for most romantic relationships. If you can’t eventually bring it to that, she’s not likely tied to you.

      • Sara on July 16, 2013

        Without the platonic time investment, conversations and texts just to say hello or let her know your thinking about her, what lets the woman know that you want her for more than just sex? I respect a guy who doesn’t kiss me on the first date especially if he follows up quickly with a call or text to set up the next date.

  3. Andre True on March 18, 2013

    Great post! I believe it’s best as a man to show your intentions at the beginning. These days we act so embarrassed by feeling what we feel. Once we learn how to stop being so attached to the outcome, that would help us get rid of the fear of putting ourselves out there.

  4. Pariah on August 21, 2013

    I’m ambivalent about this. What you said in the blog post is probably true, I won’t deny that. But I find it deeply depressing. So many times have I given the deepest parts of me to someone, hoping they would understand.

    You said that platonic connections don’t entitle us to romance. We are all just mammals after all right? Beasts with two backs?

    Thing is, when I give my heart and soul to someone, and it turns out that it’s not good enough because it’s not cock, that’s where I begin to reject this entire notion of sex being the cornerstone of a relationship.

    Of course sex is important, and yes it is a bonding experience, a massive one. And I agree with you on so many levels. Making her feel incredible, and allowing her to experience joy of sexuality, that’s all great, but if the last guy she slept with has a stronger connection to her than someone who loves her with an unprecedented sincerity, it’s a tragedy.

    You wanna know the worst part? I’m actually the crazy one. The one being unreasonable, and I know that. In fact I might not be the best person to ask about these kinds of things anyway.

    Maybe I’m a dreamer, but I really believe sex should be an extension of love, not a confirmation of it. Or in the very least we need to be able to admit to ourselves when sex is just sex and love has nothing to do with it. In such cases, we shouldn’t go around judging relationships by sexual criteria, if our sex lives are not exclusive to our relationships. That’s just hypocrisy.

    Just thought I’d make that point. No reply necessary.

    At this point I believe I have found someone who understands where I come from. Our relationship is still new, but if she can prove to me that sincerity of connection exists and that our bond before sex is just as strong as our bond thereafter, then I’ll be less bitter about all of this.

    Good article though and thanks for the insight.